Santa Claus is a Mean Old Man

So we watched Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer last night.  I've watched it every year since I was a kid and now we watch it as a family.  It has always been one of my favorite holiday cartoons (the original Grinch will always be number one) but there are a few things that I have never noticed that I did this time around (the red wine I drank while watching it may have helped my perception).  

There is a lot of fuss made about the island of misfit toys and the need for Santa to come to them and rescue them and deliver them to children so they can be loved. And, there is a lion who is king of the island and has a pretty awesome throne to prove it, which we see when he holds court and welcomes the distinguished visitors, who are only allowed to stay one night because they are not toys (which quite frankly seems a little odd to me since he is a flying lion so clearly there is some wiggle room in the rules).  Am I the only one wondering why this king of the island who cares so much about the toys can't do something (anything) to help them?  He has wings - can't he fly a few places (you know, like the North Pole to see Santa himself) and rustle up some support?  Or if that’s too much effort, maybe he could take a minute or two out of his day to write a letter to Santa and ask him to come there and get them (kids everyday write letters to Santa and a flying lion king can't do it to help his people)?  Try a little diplomacy and make a deal.  He's apparently constantly out there finding these toys; maybe it's time to balance the work schedule with a little time finding them homes.  I think they should stage a coup because at best he is a really bad king and at worst he is hoarding them there for reasons I care not to imagine.

I'm also wondering what the Abominable Snowman eats and how he got so big.  He is all over the North Pole (every ten seconds in the show he is roaring and then peering over a snow hill) and yet, despite the warnings and their fear of him, I don’t think he is chowing down on reindeer.  He is clearly an awful hunter.  His cave isn't littered with reindeer bones and when he does get his hands on a few of them (after they have apparently been wandering the area for like a year - what took him so long to catch them?) he doesn’t even know what to do with them.  I understand this is a kid’s show, but I need something to fill in the logic gap.  He’s huge!

But, the biggest surprise of all – and the one I can’t believe I didn’t notice before now – is what an unbelievable prick Santa Claus is.  Yes, you heard my snarky self right – Santa Claus is a mean old man.  Consider the evidence:

·        He shows up at what is apparently one of his best and longest serving reindeer’s homes to meet his newly born son and, to paraphrase, tells him “your kid sucks because of his red nose and if it stays that way I want nothing to do with him.” 

·        When the sweet little elves sing Santa a song written just for him, he squirms through the whole thing like he is being tortured and when it is over, cruelly announces it needs work. 

·        Upon seeing Rudolph fly at the reindeer games, he thinks he’s pretty good until he sees his nose is still red, at which point he thinks he sucks again and wants nothing to do with him no matter how well he flies (pardon me Santa, but that’s discrimination). 

·        Poor little Rudolph finally comes home after being gone for a year and Santa, in a moment of oddly weird timing, pops in at Rudolph’s home and bluntly tells him his Dad, Mom and girlfriend are all missing since they went looking for his ass.  Just as you think he is about to exhibit a bit of concern over their fates, you find out he really only wants them back because Christmas is in two days and he needs the Dad to fly the sleigh.  So much for oddly weird timing – he’s probably stalking the place wondering how someone could go looking for his son when *Santa* needs him.  Well, color Santa selfish.

Even at the end when everyone has realized how badly they treated Rudolph and they shouldn’t have been so awful, Santa never really regretted his actions or apologized.  In fact, he only accepted him because he could do something for him – fly his sleigh in the snow.  If there hadn’t been a snowstorm, and if he hadn't needed him to save his job, Santa would have never hired Rudolph and his big old nose.  And I’m guessing he was never lead reindeer again.

In fact, now that I think about it, I probably judged the Flying Lion King too harshly.  He clearly knew the real Santa and to this day is wondering what exactly that little red nosed reindeer had to do to get that mean bastard to his island to pick up some ugly toys that couldn’t do anything for him. Jolly old St. Nick?  I don't think so.