Trailer Living...It's Not Just For Trailers

I am back home!  This is a huge thing and anything I say does not in any way dilute or negate what an absolutely, awesomely, fantastic thing this is.  There truly is no place like home - but it isn't quite 100% perfect yet.  In fact, if I reach for my inner snob, I realize that if there were a checklist for what constitutes a trailer park home, I would have quite a few check marks on there.

• There is a toilet on my front porch.  Like the six of a kind or large straight in Yahtzee, you would think this would be the hardest item to check off, but I got it on the first roll - it's been there from the beginning.  Granted, it is a Toto toilet - but when it is on your front porch it doesn't really matter how good a toilet it is.  It is from my half-bath, which is not together yet, but will be soon so there is really no point in moving it inside until we're ready to install it.  Besides, it takes the attention off the piano under the tarp next to it.
• Big guy went food shopping and Chef Boyardee and Campbell's had a big bump in sales.  Hey, don't judge - we have no kitchen, just a microwave and need to pay the contractor - we can't order in every night. 
• There is a box of wine in my kitchen.  Now mind you, I was encouraged to try wine in a box by a friend and the quality of wines that come in the boxes has significantly increased (think Black Label and Bota Box).  And it is actually pretty good as a quaffable wine to keep on hand for a glass at night - plus it lasts a long time and is good for the environment (one box holds four bottles worth of wine).  But it is nevertheless a *box of wine.*  Is there a longer standing joke in the wine world?  I have probably lost all of my wine credibility.
• We have extended family here.  My brother is currently with us and my Mother will be arriving shortly, so we will officially have three generations in one home, but not enough beds for everyone.
• My armoire is in my shed, but its doors are in my living room. 
• In the midst of the mess, we have a 65 inch plasma TV fully set up (and two other TVs on the first floor alone).  The kids may be eating Chef Boyardee but we are watching the Walking Dead in full bloody glory.
• My yard (front and back) consists of dead grass, dead trees, dead shrubs and a wide variety of garden furniture, house furniture, kids playsets, contractor materials, a partially collapsed  gazebo (which Big Guy is still convinced he can save) and assorted pieces of wood and metal. 

Yup, I may not have an actual trailer but I think I can join the club.  But I wouldn't trade it for the world.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to look into banjo lessons. Might as well go whole hog.

When Mystical Creatures Collide...in a 300 Square Foot Apartment

So Mini-me the elder lost a tooth on Saturday.  It had been loose for a while and we knew it was going soon –and there we were at our real house doing some work when she came running out with blood in her mouth all excited that it had finally happened and that the tooth fairy would be coming that night (yes she still believes and yes we leave money).  And then the kicker – she added how cool it would be that the tooth fairy would be coming the same night she was trying to catch a leprechaun in her trap since the next day was St. Patrick's Day (yes she still believes and yes we leave gifts and leprechaun treasure).

Okay then.  It was one thing when we did any of the nighttime visits in our house – kids went to bed upstairs and with the exception of the tooth fairy (we just slipped in later) we set up everything downstairs. Granted two things in our house may have required a little more prep but still not too bad.  But here?  We have two rooms and four of us sleep in one of them.  It was Saturday night and everyone stays up a bit later (which for us these days is like 10 for the adults but still).  This was going to be like Mission Impossible.  We had nowhere in the apartment to hide the St. Paddy’s day stuff so had to get it from the car after bedtime and take care of it.  And of course the tooth fairy required full sleep.  An added complication was that she was so excited about two visits she couldn’t get to sleep and kept popping out.  Meanwhile, all I wanted to do was take of everything so I could *go* to sleep (did I mention we had been doing work at the house?).

The leprechaun trap was easier.  Once the kids were in the bedroom, big guy hoofed it out to the car while I kept watch on the bedroom to make sure she stayed in there (10 seconds to complete mission – GO!).  He was in charge of the leprechaun trap while I had the much more delicate mission of tooth retrieval and money replacement – I always get the finesse jobs.  I had not seen the selections he had made so had to go with the program – a box of Lucky Charms cereal, Hershey's Strawberry syrup (in my view the name Hershey should always be paired with chocolate but so be it) and two giant foam swords (??). Not long after St. Paddy’s was complete on the kitchen table, the bedroom door opened and sure enough it was the elder still not able to sleep.  So, since it was getting late (10:30 – sigh, how old am I?) I went in with her to take care of my part of Operation Paddytooth.  This did not go well to say the least.

She was sleeping on the floor so I went there as well (yup that’s right – two on the floor and two on the bed) and told her I would read a bit.  Of course, I needed to know where the tooth was so I made a ploy that I just wanted to check that it was in a good spot.  Good thing – it was way on the other side – I would have never gotten to it.  I moved it over into a good close spot, kissed her good night and bided my time.  And bided.  And bided.  She tossed, she turned.  A few times she repeated how she could not sleep – she was just too excited about the nighttime visits (yo, kid, if you don’t go to sleep soon I’m going to fall asleep and there will only be one visit).  Eventually Big Guy came in to go to sleep and I still hadn’t gotten the job done. 

But not long after he came in it happened – the breathing became a little deeper and I figured it was time.  I was ready and sure I could do it – these hands have decorated many a cake and can be quite steady and sure.  I had the money in hand and slowly snaked it under her pillow, gently feeling for the tooth box (yeah – I convinced her to put it in a little box so the tooth fairy could find it more easily – technically this was not a lie), confident I would be done in no time.  And then I heard “Mom is your hand under my pillow?”  Seriously?  Clearly I am not Mission Impossible material because I thought I was being quite the pillow pick pocket.  “Um yeah, just making sure everything is in the right place- you've been moving so much.” That’s when Big Guy stopped his chuckling and jumped in with an inspired idea (co-parenting in action!).  “Hey since you are having trouble sleeping do you want to sleep in the living room on the chair tonight?”  First of all, she always wants to sleep there and second of all, yes, when there are five of you in a one bedroom apartment, a chair becomes a sleeping option.  She jumped at this at about the same time Big Guy clearly remembered the fully loaded leprechaun trap sitting in the kitchen in full view of the chair (again, two rooms – not much space to operate – take that Mission Impossible with your 47 room mansions where there is always somewhere to go when the job goes wrong to make a phone call or meet a beautiful woman for 30 seconds of cool flirting).

Big Guy was fast on his feet (back?  He was still in bed) – quickly said that there was stuff on the chair and he would go set it up for her (let me make the chair for you so you can sleep on it) and call her when it was ready. Of course in the meantime she had to check if the tooth fairy had come yet. And I’m thinking – "well, she tried but you had to be all 'Mom is that your hand?'" Meanwhile it is now going on toward 11:30 and if you recall from the beginning I can't stay up late. At this point I'm close to just saying "for the love of sleep I'm the tooth fairy and Daddy's the leprechaun so just go to sleep so we can give you money and gifts. As if you don't get enough of them through the rest of the year. We're Santa and the Easter bunny too." I can tend toward cranky when I’m really tired.  It is a testament to my steely self control and parenting skills that I did not actually blurt this all out.

Finally he was back to shuffle her out to her bed/chair at which point she asked "should I take the tooth with me?" Good lord will this night ever end? Thankfully the law of gravity was on my side as the recliner she would be sleeping on was so old it didn't actually stay in a reclining position for long...and she understood that the tooth fairy couldn't spend so much extra time searching for one child’s tooth when she had so many visits to make that night – if she ran out of time it wouldn’t be fair to the other kids (she gets her practicality and thinking of others from me I’m proud to say – my close call in destroying her childhood beliefs because I was tired and cranky aside).

So off she went to sleep on a broken recliner and in about two seconds I had replaced tooth with money.  Operation Paddytooth was complete.  And a bonus:  I realized I had the entire floor and the blanket to myself for the whole night. How luxurious. This all worked out okay after all...

Facebook would be fine if it weren't for the dumb posts...

Let me start by saying that I am not anti-Facebook.  First of all, if nothing else, I find lots of awesome cartoons on it and it keeps me laughing and I share them and hope others laugh too.  It also gives me lots of opportunities to keep in touch with people I have known and been fond of in my life, keep people up-to-date on some big happenings in my life that are not too personal to share with many (it was a great help during Sandy) and is also a great source of support and information in many cases (I am currently part of a group for people in my area affected by Sandy and it is immeasurably helpful in terms of information and general support).  And, did I mention I find lots of cartoons?  Yes, it always comes back to humor with me.

But with that said, I’m sure you will not be surprised to find out that I have a few opinions on some of the ways that people use Facebook and I thought I would share them.  This doesn’t have anything to do with the Facebook technology itself or its strange and changing rules and set-up but rather some of the types of posts I see on a pretty regular basis that, quite frankly, drive me crazy:

- The “I’m having a cup of coffee” post.  Could there be anything more unnecessary than proclaiming to the world that you are drinking a morning beverage?  Or similar status updates like “eating a muffin,” “watching The View,” “going to the bathroom” (I made up that last one but really it’s not that far off). Seriously, before you post something, think about whether you would ever call someone to tell them this information.  I think it is a good idea when it comes to technology to use “would I do this in person” as a guideline.  Don’t say something in an email if you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face and don’t post it on Facebook as a standalone comment if you wouldn’t use it as a conversation starter.  Okay:  if someone calls you and says “what are you doing?” and you answer “I’m sitting here just having a cup of coffee.”  Not okay: dialing the phone and upon hearing hello without any further preamble announcing “I'm drinking tea.”

- The “I’m so busy I don’t know how I’ll get everything done” post. Here’s a suggestion – get off Facebook. Your productivity will soar.  Enough said.

- The vague drama post: “I am done being used”  “It’s times like these you know who really cares about you”  “I can’t take this anymore”  “How many more beavers have to die” (I made that last one up).   OK, not to kick someone when they are down, but good God, this is pathetic.  You might as well hold up a sign saying “just checking to see how many people care enough about me to ask what’s wrong and then I am going to bask in the attention but still probably not tell them what’s actually wrong because in all actuality it’s pretty minor or actually will make me look bad which is why I am not actually talking to anyone about it.”   And then everyone takes the bait:   “what is it?”  “are you okay?  What happened?”  “you are awesome, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise” (my personal favorite - you don't even know the story and they're just awesome?) “twelve more beavers need to die to enter the Matrix”  Yup, last one is made up again.

- The “name a [insert person/place/thing] without an [insert letter] in it”  I am going to shoot someone if I keep seeing these.  I love a challenge and the first time I saw one of these I fell for it and believed it was actually going to be a challenge.  Not true – so easy it was sad.  “Name an animal without an “e” in its name.  If you can do this in 5 seconds you are a genius.”  I’m pretty confident of my intelligence but I don’t think I’m a genius if I thought of dog.  Or pig.  Or cat.  Or alligator.  And they didn't even take 5 seconds each.

- The “if you don’t like and share this photo than you don’t [support our troops/want to end cancer/like kids/have a heart].”  Well that seems fair and logical – that the essence of my charitable soul will be determined by this split second in which I choose whether or not to share this picture.  I would have thought donations I have made and hours I have volunteered and friends I have cheered would come into play somewhere, but so be it.  I’m throwing caution to the wind and embracing my inner rebel and not sharing or liking it.  So there!

- The "it's 2 am and I should be sleeping" post.  Then turn off your computer and go to bed.  Have problems with insomnia?  Have you not seen a single study that says looking at electronics like TVs and computers affects your ability to sleep?  There are like a zillion of them.  If you had spent a single second researching ways to fight insomnia (and thereby solve your problem) rather than posting useless comments on Facebook you would have seen them.

- The “at the gym on the treadmill” post – “Wow, that is just so impressive, your working out and everything.  I am so impressed with your workout ethic and commitment to health and fitness.  No wonder you have been looking so good in your photos lately.”  I am assuming that is what you want everyone to think and say about this post.  I do have a question, though – how the hell do you expect your workout to be effective if the speed you are going still allows you to type a Facebook post? 

These are a few of mine – what’s your least favorite Facebook post? Let ‘em rip!

Clearly that rule doesn't apply to me...

Hello peeps.  Yes, I know I have been away for a while.  I just went through a very busy time at work during which the association I work for had its big annual meeting.  In my valiant effort to keep my blog going I promised myself I would continue to blog in the week leading up to and then during the meeting.  As evidenced by the silence, that was a ridiculously stupid, unrealistic plan because as it turns out, when exhausted at 11 PM and confronted with having to get up the next day at 5:30 for another 17 hour day, I chose to go to bed rather than write a new blog every time!  Yes, I know, poor work ethic.  I’ll try to address that in the coming year.

But enough about my laziness – I have other people’s bad behaviors to address.  I have the week off (battery recharge after excessive use) and have been perusing the paper and came across a story about one of the actresses in Game of Thrones (one of my favorite shows) appearing on Broadway.  Of course, it was not about her performance per se but rather how she is topless in part of the show and attendees were taking pictures of her onstage in the buff “ignoring strict rules against taking photos inside the Cort Theatre” (actual newspaper quote).  Here are some more actual quotes:  “production has released a statement Thursday threatening to evict any picture takers” and “theatergoers are reminded that photography of any kind during the performance is strictly prohibited and offenders will be asked to leave the theater.”  Note the "are reminded."  Yes, this is an existing rule and has been for some time I believe in - well in just about every theater in the world I believe.

I’m not sure what bothers me more – the complete and total ignoring of the rule by people or the complete and total inability of the theatre to enforce their own stated consequence.  Because anyone with a toddler can tell you that if you never actually impose the threatened consequence then the rule will be frequently broken with no concerns.  This is where the term “empty threat” gets its meaning.   I suspect I will not see an article about the people who were kicked out for taking pictures because no one is going to be kicked out – because they will then create an uproar about their being treated so badly.   This has become a specialty in our society – people ignore rules and then when faced with a consequence complain about how they are being treated badly.  And pretty much as a society we have decided it is too hard to deal with a prick so we let them get away with bad behavior even if it affects others (I’m going to guess that you can’t take a picture in a dark theater without a flash and having been in theaters, I have to say that several flashes going off would be quite distracting to the experience). 

People go on the express line at the supermarket with 16 items when the limit is 12 but know that nothing will happen.  People board airplanes before their row is announced (thanks for blocking the aisle) knowing the attendant checking everyone in won’t tell them to wait.  Parents put their kids on railings at the zoo so they can see better despite the very prominent “don’t stand or sit on the railings" signs.  Here is where it starts sliding into particularly frustrating situations for me.  I'm tired of telling my kids we have to go to the end of the line even as their friend and their parents just cut in front of 75 other people patiently waiting and effortlessly say they are with the two people they clearly just accidentally bumped into (Larry David's infamous chat and cut in real life).  I’m tired of explaining to a four year old the logic behind why she can’t take a toy to school or her cheerios in with her - when she gives you a list of her friends that do this all the time.  I sympathize – truly I do – and understand that sometimes you just want to do what it is easiest.  And I appreciate that it’s not a bad thing that I am teaching my kids that they don’t do something just because everyone else does.  But must I do it so frequently?  And won’t the other kids benefit from learning that “tough shit we got here late so we have a wait" or "tough shit you are going in - and no you can’t take that with you?”

After all, if they don’t learn it now they might get kicked out of a theater one day for taking pictures of an actress’ boobs despite the rule against taking photos.  Actually, on second thought, they probably won’t.