Divorce, Gwyneth Style

So this isn't a blog about celebrities or show business, but every once in a while something catches my attention and won't let go (case in point Nikki Minaj's Boobs).  And right now, it's Gwyneth Paltrow's divorce from Coldplay front man Chris Martin.

Whoops, sorry!  Not supposed to call it a divorce.  Sure, that's an okay word for the peons of the world who are making $25,000 a year.  Gwyneth, however, is above all of that and is "consciously uncoupling." It just sounds so lovely, so ethereal, so...bullshit.  Seriously.  Let's take a closer look at some of the key concepts in this avoidance of reality and any ugliness enlightened approach to divorce.  Luckily for us, in addition to posting a letter informing the entire internet of the uncoupling on the front page of her website (in which she also - of course - asked for privacy in dealing with it), she appended an in-depth article explaining this approach.  I'm assuming this was so everyone could read it and therefore, the fully informed public and media would have no follow-up questions or enduring interest that might invade said privacy.   Because between the website, the books, the media appearances and the interviews with ridiculous quotes, Gwyneth is clearly all about privacy.  (Of course, there could be other reasons for its inclusion.  She has shown time and again her generous spirit in sharing pearls of wisdom from her experiences as a learned traveler of the world with us lesser beings).

Anyways, back to conscious uncoupling.  First of all, we should all know that humans did not always live as long as they do now (there's a shocker).  Why, back in the 1900's, men only lived to 43 and women to 48 so no one had to deal with these long-assed 25 and 50 year marriages.  Um, well, I'm pretty sure they also got married when they were about 20, so they kind of did make it over 20 years.  Gwinnie (I hope she doesn’t mind the nickname, Gwyneth just sounds so pretentious and we know she wouldn’t want that) you only made it 11 years (and if I recall correctly you had a short dating period so this 11 years is really the whole enchilada of the relationship).  I'm going to have to give this biology and evolutionary excuse a thumbs-down.

Next up is the "End of the Honeymoon" excuse.  This is where the experts break the news that at the beginning of the marriage (or relationship) we idealize our partners; they are the loves of our lives and can do no wrong (the honeymoon phase).  Then reality sets in, we start seeing the negatives in them, and suddenly we start fighting with our mates in an awful repetitive pattern.  Well, no shit Sherlock. When you live with someone day in and day out for 10 years they can really start to annoy you.  Even if they are the lead singer of a famous rock band or an award-winning actress.

It is at this point in the article that, rather than offering any explanations or solutions, the authors veer off into a long, boring, barely comprehensible section on insects.  Yes, that's right insects.  After that they return to the concept of how after the honeymoon is over in ten years you can call it conscious uncoupling and it's all good because you have learned something from this other person that made you a better person and this breaking apart is nothing but personal growth; it’s a relaxing of the rigidity of our human lives and a willingness to embrace positive change.  I’ve thought about this *a lot* and have decided that the whole insect section was just to make this explanation look good.  After 10 illegible, irrelevant paragraphs on bugs, endoskeletons and exoskeletons, people will buy into anything.

But perhaps the best part of this is when Gwinnie’s experts say that although it is easier if both parties participate, it isn’t necessary for a successful conscious uncoupling to take place.  If your ex just simply can’t see the positive and grow with you as you are separately together in a fulfilling wave of un-love; if that poor, un-evolved human is hurt, devastated, angry, fights you, whatever, as long as you get what you need from them to improve yourself chalk it up as a success.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I can’t wait to hear what Chris thinks on the next Coldplay album.