Polar Vortex, My Ass

This is Anchorage, Alaska this week:

Isn't that all pretty and green?

And this is my hometown on Long Island:

It's only picturesque if you don't have to walk in it

It has been like this for weeks.  Some speak of a polar vortex that is the root cause.  I don't care what it's from - all I know is that it sucks.

I understand that I live in the Northeast United States, which isn't exactly a tropical paradise.  But it is supposed to be warmer and less icy than, say, Alaska (I'm going to keep coming back to that because I can't let go of that pretty green grass they have, while I have their arctic wasteland).  Snow storms are a weekly occurrence and school has already been closed three times.  Yes, my kids think this is really cool.  Yes, they know it means they are losing three vacation days later in the year.  No, I don't think they really understand what that means.  Yes, on each of those days I plan to wake them up and say "if there hadn't been all of that snow you would be off today - frolicking outside on this sunny, 70 degree day.  Now get up."

Mind you, I walk to work from the train station to my office - 20 minutes each way.  And I am normally quite the trooper - rain, cold, heat, whatever, I pull myself up by those proverbial bootstraps and do what I gotta do.  But I'm getting pretty damn tired of literally pulling up my boots every single morning to climb little snow hills, slip on spots of ice and slosh through slush (that would be New York City slush - gross, brown and sprayed by cabs, cars and buses at the corners so stand back).

And there are green lawns in Alaska.  

And speaking of the train, this is what the platform looked like the other morning:

It adds a whole new meaning to the
 "careful it's slippery out there" announcements

Yeah, they just gave up. "Whatever, more snow, just leave it.  Spring will be here in about 2 months and it will melt."  Because you know what - this stuff is not melting until spring.  Because along with the constant snow, it is frigid.  Like 12 degrees every day frigid.  (Yes Alaska people, I understand 12 degrees is warm for you; I also understand the strange weather is disappointing to you as well.  I read in an article that you are upset that you cannot enjoy your usual winter sports, I guess like that biathlon thing where you cross country ski and then every once in a while stop and shoot something.  Boo hoo, it must be very difficult on you watching them enjoy this sport in the Olympics this week). Lest I despair, this week it is supposed to go up to 36 degrees at some point and which will be a veritable heat wave.  I may wear my lighter hat to celebrate.

Back to the walk.  In addition to the boots, I pack on about 40 pounds of clothes every day so I don't freeze while I’m out there (no, it is not “brisk” or “bracing” or “invigorating.”  It is frigging cold).  I look very attractive, if I must say so myself;  boots, full-length down coat, gloves, scarf up to the tip of my nose and hat down to the tops of my eyes.  And, of course, I must dress in layers because once I have enjoyed my time out in the fresh air, I arrive at my office, which with its old-time steam heat, is about 80 degrees.  For about the first 10 minutes it feels really, really good. Then it doesn't.  When I leave this sweatshop and first get outside into the 10 degree air, amazingly for the first ten minutes it feels really, really good.  Then it doesn't.

And there are green lawns in Alaska.  I try to keep this a relatively PG blog, but I don't mind saying "Fuck You Alaska."  Now excuse me while I go snowshoe in my backyard in the invigorating air.