Swimsuit Tips for Men

Ah, summer.  The time of year when the days grow longer, the sun shines brighter and the pool and the beach are beckoning.  And we all know what that means - time to don a swimsuit!  I happened to be wearing one upon a lounge chair poolside when I came upon an article in a little local magazine, which sounded like a million other articles I have read, providing me with tips on how to conquer my fear and anxiety and purchase a bathing suit that will flatter my body type and suit my personality.

As I skimmed this article chock full of information on how to look my best as I pranced nearly naked in public, I realized something.  Not once have I seen an article advising men on how to select a swimsuit that will best suit their physique and deepest self.  Since I am sure that anyone with a y chromosome is desperate for this type of information as they surely must be drowning in self-doubt and oozing self-consciousness thanks to the years of people judging them by their looks, I decided to perform a selfless public service and provide some tips on bathing suit shopping for men.

Know your body type.  The law of averages and my eyes on the beach tell me this is probably not yours.  Too harsh?  Try looking at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue every year.

First of all, let’s just agree off the bat that unless you’re a competitive swimmer or are stepping onstage for a bodybuilding contest, you need to avoid the banana hammock.  Don’t tell me they wear them in Europe.  If you want to bring the banana hammock over the pond, you need to bring paid maternity leave to the table as well.  Then we can talk about what they do in Europe.  The same goes for the boy shorts sported by the man we have chosen to be our sample for what all men should look like.  Here, let me show you a picture of him again.

·         Have a large chest?  No, not like our friend Daniel up above –I’m talking a full-on set of man boobies.  A large t-shirt will work best.  It’s like they tell us women, don’t for a second be ashamed of your body – but in the meantime here’s a cover-up.

·         Love handles bringing you down?  First of all be thankful you have love handles and not a muffin top.  It’s sort of romantic, as opposed to referencing your sex parts or the food you overindulged in or both.  As for your suit, no spandex and no tight fitting or tightly tied Board shorts. Leave those to the professional surfers of the world. Elastic and other loose fitting materials are your friends.  Take it from us ladies – spillover just makes things worse.

·         Big belly swelling you out?  First of all, thank your lucky stars you don’t need maternity swimwear.  For some reason they only make them with giant flowers and ruffles on the lower half and extremely low cut on the top half.    As for slimming tips, you’ll also want to go with loose fitting, elastic waists but you should also add a tank top to the mix.  This will draw the eye to your bulging bicep muscles.

·         Just a little thick through the middle?  For women this means no tankinis so for men I’ll say no belly shirts, tee or tank.  Make sure that bad boy comes a good few inches down from the top of the suit.  You don’t want to be reaching up for something and expose your less than perfect belly.

·         Pear-shaped?   I don’t think this is even a thing for dudes.  I’m going to skip it.  But I will just randomly pop in another picture of some dudes in bathing suits because I would hate for you to forget just what the ladies are looking for.  We want you to get that same pressing sense of motivation we do when we are inundated with bevies of beauties in bikinis. 



·         All-around plus sized?  Women are advised to keep it simple and I would suggest the same for you.  Just say no to flowered shirts and shorts (and most definitely not together).  Women who feel they are on the large side (you know, above a size 4) tend to go with all black.  It’s a little hot in the summer but on the plus side, you may sweat off some water weight and there is no downside to that (well, other than dehydration and the accompanying dangers to your health).

·         Find a suit that suits you perfectly?  Buy several of them in as many colors as possible.  This may not happen again in your lifetime and you should take advantage of this tiny miracle.  Feel free to celebrate with food and drink, but not too much because you want the suit to still fit when you get home.

Remember boys, do not for one second let your concerns about your body stop you from having fun this summer.   Once you have taken my advice to find that perfect swimsuit that hides all of your imperfections, and the cover-up that you can wear whenever you need to leave the blanket for a nano-second, you will feel really, really confident.  Until this walks by you at the beach…

Good luck.