Golf ≠ Sexy

So, we're doing a little channel surfing the other night and come upon some guy providing an onscreen golf lesson.  Despite my usual way with words, I had to take a picture to capture the awfulness of what was on the screen.

Now this is just a test run for the lighting, right guys?
You're not actually filming me in these clothes?

Now, I could focus on the colors that don't match, the white shoes, the wavy design that doesn't hide his belly at all (hello?  vertical stripes are slimming!).  Instead, I have chosen to use this picture (which is similar to many other examples of male golfer's clothing I have seen) to provide some explanations for some phenomena in golf and other sports.  It feels more productive than simply making fun of that atrocity of an outfit.

The golf skirt- because women, unlike men, need to
let their legs breathe in order to swing

For starters, I have cracked the mystery of the age old policy of so many golf courses not allowing women. Forget everything you thought about it being some old school, sexist good old boys club.  Clearly, they did not want to be seen by members of the opposite sex in the clothes they were wearing. It would immediately cut their chances of getting laid by like 80%. This way, they can change out of their plaid costume back into their manly suit, meet their lady for a drink somewhere else and ramble on about the important manly business networking they accomplished in the midst of their birdies and bogeys while walking across the lawn (yes, that's right, I have no respect for golf as a sport). 

This is the same guy. That sound you just heard was an egg hitting the brakes hard and backing right back up to the ovary it came from.  "Whoops - false alarm!  I'll wait for the next one, thanks"

This may also explain why other sports require uniforms.  Now, I'm not really into research for this blog (I prefer to wing it) but I did a quick google that tells me that golf was invented sometime in the middle ages while other sports, like American football, came later.  Golf provided rules on attire but no actual uniforms. Every sport that followed realized that was a huge mistake and, like the tuxedo in a wedding, most men needed to be given a specific outfit to wear with little to no wiggle room.  Plus uniforms could make them look cooler.

The homoerotic implications will be easier to hide in these outfits, Bob.

Now, I bet right about now you're thinking to yourself "Oh yeah?  What about all those people watching golf on TV?  They're seeing the outfits."  Well, I also researched this issue for this article (I am on fire with facts for this one) and found the following golden nugget "Television viewership for golf tournaments has remained the same over the past 10 years: white (87 percent), older (63 percent aged 55-plus), and affluent (27 percent household income over 100K.).  About two-thirds were male."  Why yes I can provide the source - Old, rich white guys watch golf (not the actual title).

So, golf people, a suggestion.  Let the ladies on the courses and let them dress the guys they bring with them.  It will spark a sea change in your demographics and your sport may actually survive past the Baby Boomers.