Kids! Listen Up if You Want Me to Listen Up!

So I often get lots of little articles that cross my facebook feed and some of them even catch my attention, like this little blurb “How We Hurt our Kids.”  It was an odd title and I didn’t *think* it was a suggested listing of ways to inflict mental and physical pain but I checked it out just in case someone needed to be reported to someone else.  Thankfully, that was not the case and instead I found a Dr. Phil-like nugget of parent/kid relationship wisdom - you know, something that boils a complex situation into a couple of judgmental sound bytes that have nothing to do with the real world and real people.  A couple of paragraphs on successfully communicating with your kids (i.e. doesn't psychologically damage them for life) written by “Rachel” (no last name necessary) seems legitimate and most definitely qualified.

I knew I was in trouble when she had a problem with pacifying my kids with a quick quip.  God knows I love a quick quip and if she had any good reasons why I should give them up (doubtful but possible), this was going to be hard.  Then she really put herself out there as someone whom I want to listen to with her line that she loosely paraphrased information from someone else to “make it more directly applicable to Moms with kids.”  Well, Rachel, this begs a couple of questions from me (and you might consider this an active destructive response but we’re not in a relationship so I don’t think it matters).  First of all, what other kinds of Moms are there?  And secondly, what about Dads (or if you prefer, Dads with kids)?  Are they perfect, responding in the most positively positive manner in every single communication situation?  Or are their errant ways not irreversibly damaging to their children and only the female of the species can do that?

Nevertheless, I’m still hanging in there hoping to take something away from your piece.  I’m all for improving relationships and if you ask me, it’s a partnership in which both parties need to work at making it work.  So I’ve decided to supplement your suggestions with a few of my own – but these are for the kids.  After all, if we (sorry Dads in my list you’re included too) have to work at it, so do they.

·        Don’t choose the exact moment that I sit down to eat my freshly toasted English Muffin (with the butter melting so nicely on top of the crisp hot outside) to tell me to come watch you do something. Walk away and come back in 10 minutes and   I’ll be happy to oblige you with the most positive response ever. Likewise if I've just settled into my comfy corner of the couch with a book for the first time all weekend. 

·        Please limit the number of times you need me to stop what I am doing and come see you to six times an hour (and it would be best if you could group them together into one efficient viewing).  The running of the household depends upon my accomplishing a few things which becomes impossible if I have to stop, drop and view constantly on demand.  And, no I’m not going to do them after you go to bed in order to maximize my time with you.  I’m tired then too.

·        Apparently I should meet you on your level and talk eye to eye with you for maximum benefits. So I’m going to need to ask that whenever we talk at home, it be at the kitchen counter.  If we're out you'll need to find a ladder or a step stool or something.   It’s really not good for my back or knees to constantly be squatting or bending over and quite frankly I'm not sure why I need to be the one to come down to your level anyways. You can step up. 

·        If you have accomplished a new skill (say, the monkey bars at the playground) I will spot you the first five times you repeat doing it for awesomely encouraging compliments. After that I'm going to need a new trick or an increase in speed or something (anything) else. Surely you understand - I'm pretty sure you stopped watching me flip an omelet after the first time when you decided yeah, she can do it.

Sure Rachel, I want to be my kids' cheerleader when the world is against them.  But I also don't want them to think the world is against them when it doesn't stop to applaud everything they do. Every single time they do it. 

Oh and I refuse to remove the word but from my vocabulary. It cracks my kids up every time I use it.